Welcome to episode #87 of the Joy the Baker podcast! This week we get real and talk… about thinking about HAVING KIDS.

Tracy’s not sure if she wants to add more to her brood. Joy’s been reading up on What to Expect When You’re Expecting for DECADES. She still is figuring out what to expect. Tracy tells her to expect things to not look like how you imagined them. Life! Parenting! REAL.

whattoexpect

Other books that Joy’s been reading include:

Grace Based Parenting
The Ministry of Motherhood

Tracy is currently reading Raising Your Spirited Child.

Preston! HEY! You’re looking for some great Gluten-Free websites

You should start with Gluten Free Girl, With Style & Grace and Against-the-Grain.

YES!, Barbara. You totally can make baked goods healthier!

Joy made a Chocolate Beet Cake with Beet Cream Cheese Frosting.

Health food? Maybe.

beetcake

Black Bean Brownies are still mega chocolate-y!

beanbrownie

Tracy’s got an Orange Walnut Cake recipe that’s made with Olive Oil & ground walnuts. OMEGA-3, BABY.

Serve it with some Greek yogurt. Boom.

walnutcake

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Joy the Baker Podcast! Let us know where you’re listening from. We’re hoping someone says Iceland.

LMFAO, RTOFL, TTFN,….you know the usual.

 

Leave a Reply

85 comments on “A-parent-ly

  1. Amelia Mar 14, 2013

    Listening from Auckland, New Zealand!

  2. Aeshna Mar 14, 2013

    Listening from New Delhi, India :)

  3. Hi! Listening from Barcelona, Spain. Your podcast is the highlight of my Thursdays!

  4. Listening in Lisbon, Portugal! :)

  5. Listening from Sendai, Japan :) Can’t stop, won’t stop.

  6. Sophie Mar 14, 2013

    Listening from Cologne, Germany :)

    Love u guys!

  7. Maija Mar 14, 2013

    Listening from Bracknell Uk, while eating my lunch at my desk and debating life.. and REAL PARENTING TALK ROCKS.. I have a spirited 3 year old boy… can we say EXHAUSTED!!!

    • I’m the other Maija listening in from Portland, OR! I was born in NZ, so fun to see all the NZ listeners at the top of this page. I loved this episode so much, I am listening to it again. The children discussion was such real talk. I am 35, so even if my “clock” isn’t ticking, it may be ticking without me (if that makes sense?). I mean, fertility is on the downside now, y’know? It’s nice to know others struggle with these decisions, as so many people say “I always wanted kids” or did it early on. The longer you wait, the harder it is, as you get settled into your life the way it is. I could go on forever, but I’ll stop now. Love this podcast, so relatable!

  8. I’m listening from Iceland! I love your podcast and I especially appreciate the real talk. Joy’s parenting real talk was extremely honest and I can so relate to what she was saying. Keep up the good work and know that you’ll always have a least one devoted listener in Iceland :)

  9. I’m recovering from a snowboarding injury and this is making my down time so much easier to deal with! Thank you guys for making this awesome podcast!

  10. Listening now and am enjoying the real talk about parenting. Tracey, I completely agree with the agonizing over the decision of having a second child. It’s not fun to go back and forth between yes and no and live in a kind of limbo and keep baby stuff packed away and wonder if you’ll use it or if you even want to use it again.

    Listening from Upstate NY.

    • I misspelled your name, Tracy! I work with two people who spell it that way and it is hard to stop my fingers from typing it that way. My name gets misspelled all the time and it annoys me so I am very sorry!

    • I live this year in upstate ny, near Plattburg, were are you from ? :) ?

  11. I agonized over having a second child as well. Best thing that ever happened, though, was having another. He is a laugh a minute and the best friend for my older son.

  12. Megan Mar 14, 2013

    Joy, THANK YOU for the real talk. I am 33 and I’m totally unsure if I ever want kids. I just don’t know if I have a clock either. I’ve never really felt that compelled to be a mother, and I don’t really feel anything when I’m around kids or I think about having one of my own. People say that things are different when you have a kid of your own and I do know lots of people who I never pictured with kids turn out to be wonderful mothers, but I have to believe there is something telling about the fact that I’m only considering the prospect now because I’m approaching 35 and I feel like I’m “supposed” to want kids and fear regretting not having them later. My husband and I are on exactly the same page, which is refreshing, but makes coming to any sort of resolution over the matter very difficult! As someone so lukewarm to the idea, I tend to obsess over it and overanalyze the situation. It’s great to hear your thoughts on the issue, as well as Tracy’s perspective.

    • Thank you both! You aren’t alone! I’m 31 and surrounded by pregnant and newly childed family members but am really enjoying the lack of tiny people complicating our lives. I wonder frequently if I should just jump on the bandwagon but then I hear your thoughts and read all these lovely comments and I don’t wonder so much.

      Also, I listened to the podcast at work yesterday and laughed so hard that I kind of embarrassed myself. Loving the podcast, thanks!

  13. Gabrielle Mar 14, 2013

    Listening from paris, France :)

  14. Jolisa Mar 14, 2013

    tuned in from the beautiful island of Trinidad adn Tobago! psh forget Iceland..warm weather is where it’s at..lol! Hiiiiii!!!

  15. havilahjoy Mar 14, 2013

    Joy – I was super scared to have kids and how it would take over my life….and it is super hard, but it is also incredible. Also, for the record, Grace Based Parenting is awesome. Dan Allender also speaks beautifully about parenthood….and many other things.

  16. When I glanced at the show notes before listening I thought for sure that Joy was pregnant. Actually, I’m still not completely convinced that she’s not. Are you preggers, Joy? Are you?!

  17. Hey there! Texan girl listening from Edinburgh! Heart the podcast :D

  18. not as exciting but listening from Dallas, Texas. But I am from Nepal. You guys are the best :)

  19. Please tell me that you guys have seen the Jenna Marbles video called “How To Avoid Talking To People You Don’t Want To Talk To.” (NSFW-ish due to language: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0 ) You need to test out her method in the laundromat Joy!

  20. listening from vancouver, bc (canada). nowhere exciting and exotic!

  21. Joy, you’re not alone! I’m reading Bringing Up Bebe right now, although I don’t plan to have kids for at least two years, if at all. Even though I’m on the fence about babies, there’s something weirdly fascinating about parenting techniques, especially now that I’m at an age (30) where some of my friends are becoming parents. My fiance thinks I have a hidden agenda, but I really just find it interesting!

  22. I’m excited to listen to this podcast later. I’m expecting a little boy in about 10 weeks : ) Our first little one : )

  23. A Mexican listening from the Netherlands :)

  24. Gabriela Mar 14, 2013

    Hi! I’m listening from Lima-Peru. I have some other friends here in Lima that listen to the podcast too and who told me about it.
    Adios! Besos!

  25. hey, listening from Bern, Switzerland. You girls are hilarious and get me through my work days. Love the podcast!

  26. Kerttu Mar 15, 2013

    Hi! I’m listening from Tallinn, Estonia. I lovelovelove your podcast, you guys are bonkers awesome!

  27. Another Mexican listening from Slovakia.

  28. I’m listening from Paris, France

  29. Here’s a listener from Finland (another Northern country, close enough to Iceland ;) ) I love your podcasts, I usually listen to them when I go to work by bus (I get a lot of weird glances because you make me laugh out loud…).

  30. Oh, Joy! I think it’s great that you’re being extra thoughtful about parenthood. Obviously, it’s a life-changing decision and I don’t think anyone can ever be fully “ready” for it. But I will say that as a brand-new mother of a precious 4-week old, that pregnancy and parenthood–while far from easy–is an AMAZING life experience. Nothing really compares. :)

    I actually shared my thoughts on the early weeks of parenthood on my blog this week. Perhaps it will give you some food for thought: http://www.thedesertabode.com/2013/03/14/a-month/

    Good luck and best wishes! :)

  31. When Tracy said ‘I just tease them’ I thought she said “taze” them. Tazing annoying guys, why didn’t I think of that.

  32. Joy – I felt perfectly fine thinking I never wanted kids – and now that I have one, I STILL feel that way: that if I hadn’t ever had one, I’d have lived a perfectly awesome life (and actually would get to do a ton of things I can’t now)… BUT I now also wouldn’t trade my son for anything. It’s about being happy with the decision(s) you make. It has to be.

    What it came down to for me was that I met this guy and having a child/ren was a dealbreaker for him. If I was firm in never wanting a child, then I wasn’t the woman for him. Since I felt I could go either way on motherhood, I said sure. Then my sister had a son and I saw just how awesome it was (despite how hard it is). I never really liked kids before my nephew. He was a gamechanger for me. Now I have my son (who will be three in May) and he is the true love of my life.

    For some people, wanting to be a mom is enough. For others, meeting the “right” partner does it. For others, it never seems like the right fit for them. I’d say don’t overthink it, but it’s not bad to inform yourself. (I read a zillion mom blogs before I was a mom to get a view on “real” moms.) :)

  33. I’m listening from a little village in Upper Austria, but am originally from Hawkes Bay, New Zealand! I felt well represented in this episode ;)

    I had one little moment (joining in on the grammar pickiness Michael) when one (both?) of you said ‘he could care less’. The phrase is actually that he “couldn’t care less” – implying that he cares so little about what other people say or think that he didn’t have any room to care less on the scale of caring, as opposed to “he could care less”, which implies that he does care what other people think or say, and could decrease his amount of caring.

    Apart from that, I really really enjoyed this episode. Good real talk – it was cathartic in the same way that having a good talk with somebody else is.

    Thanks!

  34. Arianne Mar 15, 2013

    I just almost missed my subway stop while listening to this podcast.

  35. Oh, you GUYS. This was the best episode ever.

    Joy, you remind me of my friend who is taking parenting classes with her husband…nope, they don’t have kids. Ha. You will be VERY PREPARED if you decide to go that route. Some real talk: My life is SO much better for having a kid. There is more joy, more lightheartedness, and more collaboration with my husband. Like, today. It was raining and gray. Not happy weather. But Gabe started yelling, “Let’s run! I like rain!” when we left Target. He is really my little ray of sunshine.

    The ONLY time I get jealous of childless friends is when they talk about sleeping in or…having free time at all. But, I mean. A few years of less free time is worth getting to love someone this much. (My son is only 2.5, so that might change when he’s a teenager.)

    This is the longest comment ever – BUT! But, one more thing – you have 9 months to figure out what the heck you are going to do. For me, it was seriously not the horrible adjustment I thought it would be. I spent most of the first two months sitting on a couch watching Gilmore Girls with a baby in my arms. So…that was awesome.

    Tracy, the second child decision is tough, right? We’ve decided that we want our son to have a sibling (mostly to commiserate over having us as parents), but I waffle all the time – one is so manageable when I see the chaos of multiple-children families!

  36. Listening here from Malaysia. Btw, Joy,I started reading about parenting and pregnancy in my teens. I was fascinated and needed to know! So I went to the 2nd hand bookstore and picked up What to Expect, parenting books etc. No shame. I’m still childless but it’s so interesting. A whole world that’s totally unimaginable. Hugs.

  37. Listening from Canada!! Thanks Joy and Tracy for my answering my silly little question. I’m definitely gonna have (silent) earphones semi-permanently attached on my ears when I’m out and about alone… and tell people my name’s Sarah. Ha. BTW Joy, you are so so so brave.

  38. Nicole Mar 16, 2013

    British girl listening in Beijing China

  39. listening from from Berlin, Germany and i love your podcast more than everything else… except for cheese cream frosting :D

  40. Oh My Word. I laughed so hard at Joy’s reading list I almost cried because I remembered doing the same thing at her age. I was OBSESSED with a blog called It Could Happen To You. I hope she knows that her reading is very telling. Ladies without a kid in the future don’t read parenting books.

    As a relatively new adoptive mama, I just want to tell Joy that motherhood is the hardest, yet best thing I’ve ever done.

    Parenting books I’d recommend for Joy:

    Minimalist Parenting by Asha Dornfest and Christine Koh – NOT about getting rid of all your stuff, but about parenting with your own values instead of a bunch of shoulds.
    Parenting From the Inside Out – by Daniel Siegal – basically getting over your issues before you hand them over to your kids.
    Daring Greatly by Brene Brown – your kids grow up to be you, so become the person you want them to be.
    Good Enough Is the New Perfect by Hollee Temple and Becky Gillespie – a study on how being good enough parents. Refreshing.

    Also know no book is going to prepare you for becoming a parent. You get ALL THE FEELINGS when you get a baby. No one or nothing can prepare for that madness.

  41. Listening from Springfield, MA, birthplace of basketball… what what! (Trying to make it sound exciting…)

    My dad used to tell me “I’ll give you something to cry about” all the time. I was confused about it too, I used to think he had a tarantula or snake hidden in the closet to scare me. Oy!

  42. Cayla Mar 16, 2013

    I loved this episode! Both of you are clearly intelligent ladies, and Joy, I see you as what I call the “instinctive intellectual” person–when your own mind/heart feels unclear or unsure about a topic, you seek information and get as much knowledge as you can to try to advise/strengthen/guide your own personal instincts. That’s good, too, because information can be super helpful! But it’s also important to listen to what the voice(s) deepest inside you has (have) to say, too–how do you feel about what you’re reading, what you’re hearing? What does your critical mind have to say in response to what someone else states as strong opinion or asserts as fact? You seek, you gather, and then you sift–you keep what works, and you toss out what doesn’t. I find that meditating helps with the sifting process.

  43. ‘get loud on a dude’ may be my favorite expression from this years podcasts, thanks Joy. A friend of mine runs the Halifax (nova scotia) chapter of Hollaback! if any of you wants to share their stories on harassment or want some constructive ways to deal with street harassment in their city their website is a good place to start – http://www.ihollaback.org/

  44. Sarah Mar 16, 2013

    Joy- I love your comment about reading Christian parenting books. I grew up in a Christian home and now as an adult (yup, I be 28) I want to incorporate somethings that I grew up with and other things I have learned along life’s crazy amazeballz journey! Thank You

  45. susan wuest Mar 17, 2013

    Listening from Stockholm, Sweden!

  46. the majestic land of provo, utah. WOOT WOOT

  47. I totally did NOT want kids when I got married. Then I had nieces and nephews, and I was like, “I could totally live with these little people. They’re kinda awesome.” So I had my own and he was pretty much the most amazing person ever. And I agonized about another, because life was good. But we had another, and she is just as fantastic as the first (only I’m a lot less freaked out about things this time so that makes it about a bazillion times easier). And yes, life is sometimes crazy and mommy-time doesn’t happen all that often (and when it does, it’s probably 10pm or so), but I can’t imagine life without my little crazies. The funniest part is, now that we have two, I would absolutely have another in a heartbeat (though my husband has declared himself “done”, so a third is totally off the table).
    If you can like other people’s kids, you will have NO PROBLEM with having your own, because they’re yours and are bound to be amazing (you know, genetics and all that).

  48. Listening from Bountiful, Utah (just right around the corner from Alyssa!)! Woot woot!

    Speaking of wishing someone would leave a cake in your fridge, I had made a Pistachio Cake with Orange Marscapone Frosting for a baking contest at the State Fair last year. After it was all done, my friend, Sharon, offered her fridge for storage while we walked around the rest of the time at the fair. Sure! That was so nice of her to offer.

    Well, it turns out, I never really got back to her home to pick up my cake for about a week. She showed up at my door with an empty cake plate with one of those funny “Apology” notes attached. She had checked “It just happened”, “It seemed like a good idea”, and “Because I was hungry” as reasons for eating it with her roommates. She also did check “I will do it again.” Ha ha! Serves me right for not coming back sooner to get it!

    (Apology Note: http://www.knockknockstuff.com/catalog/categories/pads/nifty-notes/apology-nifty-note/)

  49. I feel honored to be outed in these show notes! That was such a great cake, Winter.

  50. I’m an Austin, TX gal but listening from Phoenix, AZ. I’m also expecting my first baby – a boy! – in 3 weeks. Sh*t is getting real!
    Joy – I’m a crazy planner/researcher and was interested in reading about babies and parenting waayyy before being pregnant. I felt kind of silly BUT once I was pregnant I felt a lot more calm and confident b/c I already knew a lot of stuff. I don’t think you HAVE to read and prepare before-hand but if that’s what you’re drawn to do then I think that’s the best way for you to prepare. You’d be an awesome mom, I hope you have kids :)

  51. I woke up one day and realised 7 years had passed and I was a Mum of 4 daughters. They are loud and busy and messy and active (spirited?), and my brain is utterly scrambled, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I like that you’re researching Joy, but don’t over-intellectualise things. It’s a basic human function. Live your life and go with the flow, but don’t wait too long, it would suck to decide you want a baby when you’re 40 and not be able to have one. You’re unlikely to regret having a baby, but maybe you might possibly regret not having one. Best wishes from Australia!

  52. Pregnant listener here! I’m 39 weeks and I wish I were in labor right now. I was going to save this podcast for the hospital, actually, but I’m going crazy waiting. Thanks for the entertainment!

  53. Hey gals! It always weirds me out/makes me smile when you talk about my podcast. ;)

    So I think we’re gonna talk about YOU and your future parenting anxieties in a future episode… not outing you, of course, just talking about those feelings you’ve talked about here, because I think SO MANY people feel similarly.

    My ten-peso thought… you’re never ready to have kids. If you waited until you were ready and everything was perfectly aligned, you’d never have them. At some point, you just jump off the high-dive and see what happens. And now? I can never, ever, ever imagine my life without any of my kids. Even though I hardly get anything done.

  54. carrieloveskeith Mar 19, 2013

    Joy, I absolutely loved your laundromat story, and wished someone had told me that it was okay to be rude to creepy guys back when I was in college and getting hit on all the time :) I loved your perspective on this.

    Also, just wanted to throw this out there, if you want some further reading, Christian-parenting-book-wise, these have been helpful for me:

    Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
    Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp

    The second one is about raising teenagers, if you want to go further in your future-planning :) I’m reading it right now and it’s actually really fascinating! And it’s true what Tracy said, you can read every book, and you still never really feel like you know what you’re doing. Then you pray. A lot. :)

  55. Hi Joy and Tracy, I just had to comment about your last podcast. I myself have researched and thought hard about having a child and in doing so have had 3 children! I think first and most importantly you need to find your best friend in a partner and, if you have like me, that has been the key to success as a parent. (and really cute kids : )! ) No time is a ‘good time’. It’s a leap of faith. As for having more than one child, the best part of having more than one child is seeing them interact with each other and knowing that they will always have one another. It’s priceless and beautiful. I genuinely think you ‘know’ you are ready if you have been thinking about it, You just have to go with it – assuming that you are in a solid relationship.
    So, I know a lot of other people will probably have the same advice, but I wanted to let you know that it’s hard work and your life changes completely, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
    All the best,
    Jen S from Canada
    p.s. thanks for getting me through some long afternoons at work!

  56. JML 0810 Mar 20, 2013

    Listening from Seoul, South Korea

  57. Listening from Italy and wondering if anyone else is listening from Italy too… We could meet and be friends ;-)

  58. Emily Mar 20, 2013

    Tracy I couldn’t agree more about the fact that it is easier to just get pregnant and be happy about it than to agonize over whether or not actively try to get pregnant! My first baby was a huge surprise (I was 22 and had graduated from college about 6 weeks before I found out I was pregnant) and the second one was even more of a surprise since I found out I was pregnant when the first one was only 6 months old! I NEVER would have planned it that way but it has been a huge blessing! In fact it worked out so well that I ended up getting pregnant on purpose with a third when my second was only 10 months old. Now that they are 5, 3.5, and 2 they play so well together. You can never be fully prepared for parenthood- it is simultaneously so difficult and so hilariously amazing!

  59. Francesca Mar 20, 2013

    Listening from Chicago, Illinois!!

  60. Listening from Southern Finland. With a huge smile on my face. Real talk!

  61. I’m listening from super-exotic Columbia, SC ;)

  62. Listening from Freiburg, Germany.

  63. I’m from New Zealand, but these days I’m listening from Melbourne, Australia. Love that there are so many other kiwis who love you guys as much as I do!!

  64. Katie Mar 25, 2013

    Gee, wee New Zealand is representing and sharing the love! Us Kiwi’s dig your style.
    You two make me laugh and totally nod my head whilst out running (humble brag) my dog today.

  65. Greenlander(the island northwest from Iceland) now listening from Copenhagen, Denmark:)

  66. Okinawa, Japan….listening religiously from the beginning!

  67. Sarah Mar 27, 2013

    Oh Joy, no presh to have a kid! We are childless by choice and have a wonderful marriage/life that all of our friends with children envy. Regrets? No way.

    Listening in Santa Cruz, CA.

  68. Joy, I totally read those books two years before having the kid. It helps me be less freaked out. Do what you gotta do, girl. Listening in San Diego, California.

  69. Natalya Apr 1, 2013

    I’m listening from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Love listening to your podcasts! This was a fun one to listen to about being a parent. Some days are hard, but overall it’s definitely worth having children. I was very unsure about it for a while, but am so happy we decided to take the plunge and have one. She’s adorable and brings us a lot of joy. We’ll definitely be having another one. Just not right away!

  70. Courtney Odle Apr 1, 2013

    Pregnant and listening in OKC by way of Texas.. I was Chelsea Handler until I found my dreamweaver (referring to Wayne’s World).
    Way to beat off the creepers, “GET AWAY FROM ME”. I totally support this action plan.

  71. I’ve listened to all your podcasts from Managua, Nicaragua! I had to comment since I didn’t see anyone else from Central America:)

  72. Catching up on this podcast a little late from Washington DC. (my dad would say a day late and a dollar short)

  73. Listening from Portland, Or. Clearly several months too late. Also, enjoyed hearing Michael on the show, I think it would be fun to hear him weigh in from time to time.